Fear.

Some days I wake up and a little voice in my head says, “you’re doing it wrong.” Some days I wake up and there is a song bird on my shoulder singing me to sweet songs of triumph, that I am wining in my own way, that I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing.

Is this just a twenty-something thing? Or a whole life thing? I hope to the Lord it’s not the latter. Sometimes that first voice wins, and quitting all these things I am working on seems like the best plan. Sometimes that same voice says, “what are you thinkin’ lady you are juggling way too many apples and you are sure to drop soon.” The song bird voice, reminds me though, what fun is quitting and giving up? This same voice shames my fear and pushes me toward more, making more happen, learning more, doing more. All the ‘more’.

Less fear, more doing.

Juggling “too many” things is something I think many of the people closest to me will tell you I do often, if not all the time. I have this feeling, that I need to do it all right now, or I am never going to do it. That if I don’t learn how to do that one hobby now, I never will. That fear is something I am working on training that song bird to sing to. Life can’t be lived in one day, or even a month. And I can’t do it all “right now.” My dreamer mind has to learn to do just that, just dream sometimes.

This time in my life has a very “in between” feeling. Like it isn’t real sometimes. But there is no in between in life. We have to live each day like it’s the moment we have always been waiting for. That sounds so cheesy and I hate typing it but it’s true. It’s my bad habit, living for someday, when this day is right here. This is no in between, this is a significant part of my life just like all the others.

Today I woke up with that song bird on my shoulder and it has remained most of the day. I felt confident in my downhill slide towards becoming a teacher, something that drives that “you’re doing it wrong” voice. I felt that song bird come back for the first time in a while today, because I have finally accepted that fear is a very real thing in my life, but it can’t run me.

And you better believe when that song bird sang today,

I turned up the volume.

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